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Unless the Lord build the house, the builders labor in vain…Psalms 127:1

I do it on my own. I struggle, in my mind, trying to build my house. The Lord comes to me and offers the hammer of His love, the nails of His suffering,  the wisdom of His existence. I turn Him down.  I do not feel worthy of the help. I am used to going it alone. It feels comfortable and familiar.

I know how to struggle. What does it feel like to have a reasonable amount of rest? What would it be like to have the Master Carpenter, Jesus build my house?

I hear His voice in an inner whisper, “It will be sufficient, if you let me help you build Michelle.  It will accomplish what your heart has desired it to accomplish. I have to let you struggle until you let me help, because I have the blue prints. You cannot best serve yourself or others  until you let me serve you.”

Does happiness exist only when life is going the way I think it should go? Is my plan the only formula for bliss?

My internal dialogue can be negative if I extract it from my head and look,”I will be happy (worry free, peaceful) when my business slows down and I have more free time.”

Today my business has slowed, I have more free time and my mind chatter reveals, “I have no money to be happy.”

It seems I have an excuse to thwart happiness if life doesn’t go as I script. Must I deny myself the privilege? Am I held hostage by refusing the happiness?

Birds chirp outside my window and the sun rays brighten the room, regardless of my personal goals and agendas. Will I ignore their beauty? Do my failed plans always have to overshadow the joy that is staring me in the face?

Today I will not say,”I will be happy when….” I will be happy. It is my choice. Isn’t it?

It’s only hair.  I wish I could have had that mentality a couple of weeks ago. I did not.

On February 13th, a day before family pictures, I went into my hair dresser for a few blond highlights. In the process of discussing my options there was a suggestion for a few red strands.  I was excited… until the unveil.  Yeiks! Pink hair. Not lying. Lots of hot pink stared at me from the mirror.  My wonderful hair dresser worked tirelessly for the next 6 hours (a total of 9) to fix the look. We laughed a lot, though inside I was quite frightened.

I left the salon and after dinner and wine with Scott, I decided I might like the new color…until the light of day. Again the mirror hollered out at me, “Your hair is pink!” Not to mention the comments I got from well-meaning people at church: “Oh how fun. Pink for Valentines Day!” or “Wow, is that color permanent?” I heard that comment about four times. One guy said, “Scott wasn’t joking when he said your hair was pink!”

I’d like to say I took the whole thing in stride, but I would be lying. My daughters witnessed a few melt downs and lucky for Scott he escaped the escapade, because of a timely out-of-town conference.  When he came home Cambria mentioned that she missed him because, “you know how to calm mom down.”

Regardless of peoples opinions, if I like something I will stick with it. I decided pink wasn’t my style. So Charissa worked her magic and covered my candy cane hair with a rich dark brown. I will always prefer chocolate to peppermint, at least when it comes to my hair.

It is no secret to myself that I possess the gift of mercy. What has been a secret, up until recently, is how that gift gets used and how it often controls my behavior without intention. What I mean is that I am so quick to respond with words of mercy to those who are feeling pain or discomfort. Sometimes before thinking I am trying to rescue people from what ails them.

This can be a strength or a weakness. I have seen God use this gift to encourage others and to help them to help themselves. When it becomes dysfunctional or potentially co-dependent is when I start to feel the weight of others pain and spend too much time trying to “fix” others.  It can also be less than helpful for the recipient of my “fixing” especially if they are someone who is looking for a savior.

What  I am learning is that people need to help themselves and at just the right time they will. However as long as there are “fixers” in the world they have the potential to actually get in the way of people taking responsibility for themselves and seeing the strength that lies within them.

I am learning, however slowly it may be, to pause when I feel the all-consuming emotion of “fix” come over me. I am learning to quietly pray and ask God how, if at all, that He wants me to assist. Honestly, I love people and want to help them  so it will remain 2 steps forward  and 1 step back as I learn to balance the strengths and weakness’ of my gift.

Well another new year is under way and as many of you, I am pondering some goals for 2010. I have a small list. Nothing too daunting but enough to give me a challenge.

The forerunner for this year, in my list of goals is simple.  It is to be fully present in the moment. In looking back, I realize that I have had a tendency to always be looking forward. To be planning for the next big vacation, event, achieved accomplishment, etc. I know these things are important but as I’ve heard before, “life happens while you’re making plans.”

I was tempted to abandon my new goal today.

I was brought back to reality and my new years goal by a friend who sent me a text saying that she was feeling sad about how fast her daughters were growing up. That did it. I got my family together and we headed into the city for a night of food and fun. I think the best part of the night came when my daughter Cambria saw a photo opp. So out of the car Marissa and I jumped as we hoisted Cambria upon a fence so she could get the optimal angle. We giggled and laughed and this I will remember forever.

I’m not sure what came over me this year. I did something I have never done before. I broke a rule. Oh, I’ve broken rules, just not this one. Let me back up. About a month ago I was in shopping in Safeway when the yearly gloom came over me as I saw the Christmas things on the shelves. Oh not Christmas already, I thought. Maybe we could go somewhere sunny or how about a chalet up in the mountains. Any idea to escape Christmas. I know this is a bah humbug attitude but it’s not like I get pleasure in feeling this way. It’s just that every year I work so hard, like every other woman on the planet to make Christmas amazing  for me and mine, and at the end of the season I am exhausted!

So I did it. I broke the unwritten rule that says you can’t “deck the halls” until after Thanksgiving. I decided if I got an earlier start on the process of Christmas I would enjoy it more and that would have a ripple effect to my family. Yesterday I drug out all of my holiday decor, lit the candles, and started singing, “…tis the season to be jolly fa la la la la la la la la!”

Some rules were meant to be broken.

I love surprises! Only good ones of course. I like when it gets cold outside and I am surprised to see snow on the ground when I awake. When I was little I used to looked outside several times a night to see if I could see the white stuff coming down, which would lead to the greatest surprise of all, no school!

There are other surprises too, like last Friday night. I had to work in the Green lake area so I brought Scott along and dropped him at a coffee shop while I went to my appointment. During my meeting I asked the client of a good place to eat in the neighborhood. What a surprise to find a little restaurant that served their own brews and delicious comfort foods, just around the corner.

One of my favorite surprises happened a couple of years ago when I was driving home from work one night. I was listening to the radio when the DJ announced that the 7th caller would win tickets to see Chris Botti. I thought, well why not me? I called. I almost drove off the road when the person on the other end of the receiver declared me the winner! All month prior to this incident I kept saying to Scott,”Hey we got to get tickets to see  Chris Botti  when he comes.”

I love Autumn because a surprise storm might come upon us causing the power to go out! The little girl emerges and I go a hunting for candles and blankets. It is just the excuse to make a fire and nestle in for the adventure.

A surprise is, simply put, a reason for me to be diverted from the routine and enjoy a good time doing it!

What surprises do you enjoy? Care to share?