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It was Monday and the sun was shining brightly but this did not help my foul mood. I was angry and frustrated. It was the day that I had picked to go out, once again, to solicit my business self to title companies. I hate to do this. It always feels as if I'm trying to prove myself and make people "want me". This is when the rebellious angry side comes into play and the internal dialog starts, "Why should I have to impress anyone! If they don't want me or like me that's their problem!" 

The challenge with this dialog is that it is pointless. I do need these people to be impressed by me so that they will hire me. I need their business. And then I am even more mad at the knowledge of this. Here's the bottom line: Why must I work so hard to get what I want and than sometimes even when the work is finished I may not have what I had wanted or think I need.

I was driving down the road in my ticked off state and dared to start the dialog with God. It had been brewing. My toddler self started the ramble, "God I am royally ticked off at you. On top of this I am totally fried at myself because I'm sure I should be more grown up by now and not be having this full on tantrum. After all people are starving in the world and I can't seem to get perspective. If you can help me with this I hope you will, even though I am still frustrated with you." To tell God what He already knew was in my heart felt brave. Admitting it to myself was even more courageous.

I would like to say the anger left. It did not. As a matter of fact it was the motivation that kept me navigating to each new title company and hitting them with my sales pitch. They would have never known how frustrated I was inside because I turned on my "fake it till you make it" Michelle. Presto! Bouncy, peppy, Michelle appeared. Most of you have met her.

As I checked each business off of my list I felt stronger and stronger. I got a quarter of the way through and then half way and after each encounter I experienced a new wave of confidence. People were mostly warm and I was surprised each time they said, "Yeah, we will definitely give you a call!"

I got home from it all and felt a real sense of accomplishment. For me this was like climbing a mountain. I had to face a brand new city and try to navigate myself from place to place without getting lost, which I did successfully. I also had to meet new faces who could choose to accept or reject me. And even more of an accomplishment is the fact that I had to trust that the time and effort of this day was going to be beneficial. I may have worked hard and it may prove profitable or not. That is not up to me. Mad about it or not.